One thing I wasn’t prepared for was the spilt desire to go back to work and to give my baby my full attention. It has been such a struggle because I love being a mom but I also greatly enjoy my work. So to feel as if I can’t give either my full attention has had me in a weird funk.
And to be honest, I think being torn and feeling stuck has been causing some days to be lower in mood and energy than they should have been. Being stuck between two different forms of productivity and feeling like you’re doing nothing, is hard on the head. And my baby for the first few months of her life relied heavily on contact naps in order to get into a deep enough sleep to restore energy for her. So more often than not I was nap trapped and unable to do simple things like sitting down to write a blog or answer an email. Yes, I have a phone but I find it very hard to be productive on the phone.
So when there’s a moment or two where I can sit down at my computer and get work done, I am almost always immediately overwhelmed and distracted by what needs to get done that nothing ends up getting done.
I absolutely love being a mother.
It is the calling on my life I did not dream about or plan for but am so incredibly thankful I’m here.
I love being a photographer and a creative person. It is the calling on my life that has allowed me to connect and grow as a person since a young age.
Merging the two should be easy enough, right?
Maybe for some. But it hasn’t been for me.
Plus there’s the added desire to contribute financially to the household as my husband’s income is capped and if I work as a photographer we can have wiggle room in our budget for saving for our dream home.
I’ll be honest though, and let this be a public confession that I haven’t been diligent in seeking Gods guidance on how to merge the two and if I’m even supposed to be merging them. Or if for this season of my life I’m called to work in and on my home as a wife and mother.
So much of my time recently has been going towards surviving my babies food allergies while breastfeeding. So we’ve been making 95% of our meals from scratch. Buying whole foods and prepping everything. Which is incredibly time consuming. So there hasn’t been much time available to work even when I wanted to. On top of having a baby who loves contact naps. And I don’t want to rush those away because you never know when will be the last time that will happen.
Being a mom who works at another job other than motherhood is something I am still figuring out. And I know that the first thing I need to do is go to God. This blog I’ll be using as my journal as I seek his face and learn to lean on him through this process more and more. I’m not going to be perfect at it but since I started this for my own healing journey I think it’s important to be open and honest with it.
So here’s to getting realigned.